Quote of the week

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

I believe that I'm there for my loved ones, yet am I really there? Do I look in their eyes and know their sorrows, their worries, what sparks them joy? This week I will make an effort to show them that I love them, that I understand them, that I am there for them. 

 

What is the difference between acting rude, being mean or bullying?

"Stop bullying her!״ "You're such a bully!" "My son got bullied!"

These are phrases that I've heard countless times from other people about their children. But what does the term "bully" really mean?

Signe Whitson wrote an article titled, "Rude Vs. Mean Vs. Bullying: Defining The Differences" that clearly delineates the difference between what it means to be rude, mean, and bullying. And I must say I've gotten confused over these definitions especially when my children act up.  

If anyone is interested, I've copied what each term means below. 

The main difference between “rude” and “mean” behavior has to do with intention; 

1) rudeness is usually unintentional

(Eg., not sharing a cookie, interrupting someone in mid conversation). 

2) mean behavior seeks to hurt or belittle someone. 

(Eg., "eww, didn't you wear that shirt last week?" "You only got that mark on the test? I'm much smarter!"). 

3) Bullying = has three elements

a) Intentionally aggressive behavior, 

b) repeated over time, and 

c) involves an imbalance of power. 

Whitson points out "kids who bully keep doing it, with no sense of regret or remorse — even when targets of bullying show or express their hurt or tell the aggressors to stop."

-Bullying  is further broken down to four types - it may be physical, verbal, relational or carried out via technology. 

-"Physical aggression includes hitting, punching, kicking, spitting, tripping, hair pulling, slamming a child into a locker and a range of other behaviors that involve physical aggression" (Whitson).

-Verbal aggression Whitson states, "is what our parents used to advise us to ׳just ignore.' We now know that despite the old adage, words and threats can, indeed, hurt and can even cause profound, lasting harm."

-Relational aggression is a form of bullying in which kids use their friendship—or the threat of taking their friendship away—to hurt someone. Social exclusion, shunning, hazing, and rumor spreading are all forms of this pervasive type of bullying that can be especially devastating to kids.

-Cyberbullying is a specific form of bullying that involves computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices.

"The likelihood of repeated harm is especially high with cyberbullying because electronic messages can be accessed by multiple parties, resulting in repeated exposure and repeated harm."

Why is it important to distinguish between rude, mean, and bully?

The author answers: because we are using the term bully too gratuitously and as a result creating a bit of a “little boy who cried wolf” phenomena. "In other words, if kids and parents improperly classify rudeness and mean behavior as bullying — whether to simply make conversation or to bring attention to their short-term discomfort — we all run the risk of becoming so sick and tired of hearing the word that this actual life-and-death issue among young people loses its urgency as quickly as it rose to prominence."

Finally, the author makes reference to an award winning author about bullying: 

http://www.trudyludwig.com

Is Caillou ruining our children?

Plenty of anger and animosity is sweeping the Internet over the show, Caillou and how this 4 year old boy is teaching kids how to be bratty, whiny, narcissistic, monsters.

"Children who watch this program tend to copy Caillou’s behavior. Whining, demanding, throwing (themselves) on the floor kicking and screaming,” writes a Michigan mother on the petition “Remove ‘Caillou’ from the air.” (National Post)

To be honest, I've never actually watched Caillou so yesterday after reading a National Post article ridiculing the show, I decided to watch the show and see for myself if the article reflects my opinions about the show. 

My conclusion after watching Caillou, is that the program is actually good for children and I would be happy to have my children watch Caillou. 

Caillou illustrates how life looks like from the eyes of a 4 year old boy. It is made for young children and shows the world from the perspective of a child. The program is not made for parents who want to see an ideal child who behaves in unrealistic ways and never gets frustrated, angry or upset. 

Anyways this experience also reiterates that we can't accept everything we read at face value. What this taught me is that there so much info out on the web and it seems so important to be critical thinkers and teach our children this skill as we all navigate the web.

The quote that inspired me today

"Children are not the people of tomorrow, but are people of today. They have a right to be taken seriously, and to be treated with tenderness and respect. They should be allowed to grow into whoever they were meant to be. The unknown person inside each of them is our hope for the future."

-Janusz Korczak

The X-plan: Giving our children a way out of uncomfortable situation

I recently read a post by a dad named Bert Fulks about a way we could help our children deal with uncomfortable social situations without having them fear being ridiculed by their peers for wanting out of the situation. 

It's called the X-plan and it goes like this:

If your daughter or son are at a party and feel uncomfortable about any situation at the gathering, they could simply text the letter "X" to a family member (parent, sibling) and someone will immediately call them back and use the following script when talking to them: 

“Hello?”

“[Child's name], something’s come up and I have to come get you right now.”

“What happened?”

“I’ll tell you when I get there.  Be ready to leave in five minutes.  I’m on my way.”

Bert Fulks uses the X-plan with his children and says that "it is one of the most loving things we’ve ever given him [his son] and it offers him a sense of security and confidence in a world that tends to beat our young people into submission."

I think the X-plan is a great way for parents to show their children that they are on the same team. No matter what the children are going through, they could trust their parents wholeheartedly and rely on them for support. I also think this plan really promotes unconditional love and open communication with their children. 

One major component of the X-plan is that Bert Fulks' children could share as little or as much of their experience as they want once they have been picked up from the gathering. According to Bert Fulks, "the X-plan comes with the agreement that we will pass no judgments and ask no questions (even if he is 10 miles away from where he’s supposed to be).״

I think this agreement really enables the children to feel safe and secure to share their experiences with their family and to seek help if needed especially since they won't be judged unfavourably. 

Bert Fulks also answers some concerns that parents might have with the X-plan such as:

•"Doesn’t the X-plan encourage dishonesty?"

•"Does the X-plan cripple a kid socially instead of teaching them to stand up to others?"

•What if using the X-plan becomes habitual?

•If you don’t talk about it or ask questions, how do they learn?

•If they’re not where they’re supposed to be, shouldn’t there be consequences?

Also, I personally have never used the plan because my children are still too small (my eldest is 6.5 years old) so I am not sure how the X-plan could materialize with this age group. If you've tried out the plan, I'd love to hear your feedback. So far I've only read incredible feedback from people that left comments on Bert Fulks blog. 

Thank for stopping by! 

Wishing you many blessings on your parenting journey, 

H. 

A detailed version of the X-plan is here: https://bertfulks.com/2017/02/23/x-plan-giving-your-kids-a-way-out-xplan/

Hello and thank you so much for stopping by!

I started this blog, The Awakened Parent because I love learning about how to be a better mama and wanted to share some of the insights that I have gathered with whomever may be interested. I also thought this blog could be a great forum to hear what pearls of wisdom other parents have dug up over the years. Your comments will be greatly appreciated! 

Many blessings on your parenting journey, 

H